Its noon!

Its noon and the Sun is at its full blaze. Its hot outside and the weather is dry. Not a drop would fall from anywhere near. Times are not good – neither are the winds. They carry summer seeds with them and not rain. There used to be breeze in Bangalore and when I set my foot on this land, it used to be good to me – I mean, great to me! Now, it is not. It is acting like a surrogate mother – took care of me when my days were young here and when I started knowing the gallis and roads of Bangalore, it just left me on my own. The Sun used not to sear that bright. The Sun used to play with me – hide and seek – along with the clouds in my early days in Bangalore; unlike this Sun, which is burning above my head today.

Its noon and almost half way through my life, I guess. Its noon of my life too! Prem says, “Don’t look back.” I don’t much; but at times, I have to. The last 3 decades (almost) were past just like that (JLT) without any fruitful venture. Could not grow up to be a good son or a good husband! I was always the ‘other’ type of a son, a friend, a husband and probably the ‘other’ type of a man too.

I was on my own for long 8 years, when I ‘grew’ up! Before that, for first 14 years of my life I was living on my mother – without her support, I could not eat, take bath, study and even she made me join my colony’s cricket team. Then for 8 years, I was alone – self brought up. I did not do much well then, I guess. Because, in the following (and last) 4 years, I lived on my wife – without her, I could not eat, take bath, study and even she made me join Piano Classes.

And in return, I gave my mother tears, fears and sarcastic leers from all she knows for the rest of her life. She cannot come to me and stay here, which she wants to; but, stay back in Agartala and keep crying – may be waiting for something to happen – something which we do not know, but we are all waiting for. I left her in this age, when she would not move an inch without aid.

And to my wife – I gave nothing! She just went out to search for a job in the scorching sun. How hot it is outside! And she went alone. I could not even take her to the bus stand. She will be travelling in bus!! I'm not a husband she can be proud of. I can’t earn enough. Not a very successful person. When I moved to the new role, I asked her to leave her job. I thought it would bring us some fortune and we would manage. She did leave – and waited all this long for me – I could do nothing! So, she is out in the sun again – the scorching sun – and my little doll with tiny hands and legs is travelling through length and breadth of Bangalore in search of a job – an extra provide which I was supposed to bring home. She is in bus and her head spins and she feels like puking when she boards a bus. Still she’s there, in look out for a job.

My best friends say I criticize myself. It is not criticism. Neither this is something I am telling out of nothing. It is just that I am not doing things that I can, or rather things that I should do. And with each passing moment, I can feel it more intrinsically that I have not triumphed my triviality as it. That – hurts!