Being Lazy...

Today is Election Day! Karnataka votes to select their new legislative assembly. I wanted to vote this time, but no response was obtained after duly applying for voting card. So, I stayed home!

There was zeal inside during later part of school days and in college, where I was almost sure that I will spend my life being with the people, working for the people and helping build a formidable nation – and being part of it. Those were the times when I used to read Mao Tse Tung, Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, Gandhi, Nehru et. al. Their writings instigated (and still do) patriotism, communism and at times, extremism too and there were intermittent urges to run away from home and get engaged!

All those ended in smoke! This smoke is still there inside somewhere – day by day it is becoming darker and darker – turning toxic, acidic and poisonous – might kill me someday.

No! Actually it won’t.

I was watching this movie again today – OMG! Oh My God. Near the climax, I was thinking how exotic and ‘khatarnaq’ that day would be, when someone much unknown, would actually pray for me – would pray to his/her God for my wellbeing. Would that not be a day of great achievement – a day when I can say that I have done something big?

Well, this is why that smoke inside will not be fatal to me.

Somewhere inside me, there is a want to become famous – become big – being respected, honored, feared, loved and being talked about. A day when this happens still comes in my dreams. Because of this very reason, I will not be able to leave everything and get mixed in the crowd, toil for them and add values to their lives, in the way I used to think I would. There would be a want to do something and get something in return – just like the exchange offers that were talked about in the movie mentioned above.

There is one more reason for this too. I firmly believe that charity does begin at home. A man who is good at home is more likely to be good everywhere else (though my childhood heroes from my own family proved this utterly wrong). Somehow, since I started leading my own life I have not been able to be good at home. This is another reason I feel that I will not be able to be good anywhere else.

God said, “Do not think about the rewards – just keep doing your job.” But I do expect something good to happen to me, while I do a good job – before and after the job too. On top of this, when I know that what I am doing may not be good or ‘that good,’ I hope – or rather pray – that nobody finds this out.

Following the God is so tough!

Following anything is so tough – a regime, a diet, a schedule, an order and even your heart! It has always been tough for me. I have been lazy – in all walks of life. As days past in my life, going has gone tougher. As I evaded these routines, jobs-in-hand, to-do lists and so on…, my head became heavier and heavier – because my mind always used to remind me of the plenty of pending things. As much as I remember, I avoided more of it – slept off!

Laziness kills!

A lazy bone would not be good at home. The head will be full with household chores that were to be done, but remained undone because of the sluggishness. Out of the home, he would rush through the busy roads – seeing a lot to be done and at the same time dodging them. The head becomes heavier. At the workplace, there would be even more things to do – much more as compared to home and road – to be done in lesser time. He would not do that too – may be he would do just as much that would prevent him from getting fired, but not all that were scheduled. Returning home through the (still busy) roads, he takes cover in the couch, switches on the idiot box and pray, “Hope nobody saw me today,” and sleep off!

This has been my story for a long time now. People, who meet but not know me, may not agree with this – rest will do!

I once read this and quickly wrote on my desk, so that I am reminded of – “Quality is doing right things when no one is watching.” That day I thought, “Yea! Here is something I waiting for. This would now take me places. I will stick to this thought and will be the most successful person in the world soon.”

Damn!

How can you do things right, when your mind is always full with things you have not done?
How can you do well when no one is watching, as every second you wish that no one should watch you?
How can there be quality in work, when the body, heart and mind are degraded?

The God in the movie (mentioned above) said, “I am God and so I do miracles. I am not God because I do miracles!” He could say this because he is who he is. For us all, he showed the path of work – ‘Karma!’

Smoking would not kill me. Neither will the unrelenting urge to do something and be spoken of (the toxic smoke inside). It is this laziness that is killing me from inside – second by second, day by day, year by year.

Laziness diverts the thoughts; destroys the intent and extinguishes the fire in me.